@Nocturnesthesia

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

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@tarashoe

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@THEDUTHCHESS

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

@Ideal_Victoria

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

@Clanopath

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

@WittySassBasket

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

@Wook316

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

@CleverGirl85

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

@treslat

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.