Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

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this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this


Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?


Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.


All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”


Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …


Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.


H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?


After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.


Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands


* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.