Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
guys i’ve cracked the code
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
remember
only for emergencies
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”