Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
😂😂😂
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”