“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less