NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents