Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.