Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Catercrombie & Fish
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
This is my favorite one of these!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My ideal weight is five million dollars
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise