[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird