Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Butt weight. There’s more!
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really