Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
What even happened today?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!