Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?


“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.


The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.


Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up


“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower


Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”


Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.



[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]