@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

You Might Also Like

@CornOnTheGoblin

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

@Bbrrysurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@SonOfCha

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

@T_N_Crumpets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

@goldengateblond

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

@tinynietzsche

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

@AngelaEhh

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK