Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late