Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
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I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man