Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

yeah not falling for this one

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?