*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
#Thanos #MondayMood
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
no their not
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry