Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
#JohnTravolta
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’m already scared
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
what day is it?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS