Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Lmao the reply
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical