[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’d love this…lol
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
sugar glider wrangler
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in