Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool