Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
a god among men
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.