Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.