neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Discuss
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
#math
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳