*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.