[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.