Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.