Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it