NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
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me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
lmfao
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?