[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.