Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good