Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
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I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise