Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
The three genders.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Generation gap…
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible