Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

He wanted to make sure😂

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.