Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation