Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
sin harder.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Ah yes. The three genders
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.