nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.