Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]


I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background


Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.


wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?


My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money


I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes


The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.


Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize