@UncleDuke1969

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

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@GrantTanaka

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

@ColonelRyan_I

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@zachreinert0

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

@ebenbenson

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@bodybycheezits

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

@StruggleDisplay

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize