*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.