[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Genius idea!!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
the simulation is moving too fast
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.