netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
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me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.