Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”