Netflix and awkward silence?
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
found my next D&D character name
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.