Netflix and scream at our children?!
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
There’s only one good girl here!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.