Netflix and scream at our children?!
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend