Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
You Might Also Like
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
From Facebook just now…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain