Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
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ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Bros before Ohioes
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire