Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.