netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.