Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose