Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Seems legit
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.