Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Stonehinge
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.