Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?