Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
12653.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.