netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
You Might Also Like
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.