netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
#Caturday
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU